Who's sick? Who's Disabled?

In my BADD post I made a few weeks ago, someone commented about the Social Model of Disability. I read about it on Wikipedia, and it really struck a chord with me. I think partly the Social Model reminded me of the history LGBTQ+ people and how we have (and still are, in many places) been classified by society as "diseased" and "sick." As I hope you're aware, LGBTQ+ folk are NOT sick or diseased, or, if we are, who gives a fuck (shouldn't be you). We're people, LGBTQ+ people. So what about Disabled people? I for one, am not at all like them other people; I'm writing as I inhale from a nebulizer and shake from a percussion vest. Should cystic fibrosis be classified as an illness, then, because I do these things, because of crap people who treat me like shit, or not an illness but rather just something else about myself like my hair color?

Let's compare CF and gay-white-man stuff, since I know a lot about gay-white-man issues (I am one) and I brought them up already. In many ways, being gay and having CF have similar backgrounds: I never once decided that a life of expectorating and man-o-sexualizing would be for me. Really, I just found keep finding out these sorts of things about myself. I'm sure there's a lot I don't really know about what I like and dislike in this world, and I'll only discover a small fraction of that, but these were kind of hard to miss, personally. Of course, let's not overlook some frightening differences: one of these kills people. Just yesterday I was walking around and my CF genes LEAPED from my body and just strangled this poor person sitting on the sidewalk. Gruesome. Man-o-sexualism doesn't do that; it traps blood in certain body parts, making them swell, quivering with licentious anticipation.

So we get back to the question: What's the sickness here? As I understand the Social Model, it's argued that my Disability, CF in this case, isn't what's wrong; it's the attitudes, restrictions, expectations, judgments, etc. from society that create a sick environment, that make me Disabled. In many ways I have to agree; I think I would be a lot better off if I had way more resources to support myself monetarily (who's paying all these health bills?) and time-wise (I spend maybe three hours a day on medical treatments and care, including organizing, washing, and maintaining my equipment. Also the hospital). I'm Disabled not simply because my genes don't work like other people's do, but because I have to do so much to make up for that. And even still, I am not "normal" and never will be. On the other hand, no one puts mucus in my lungs, no one forces my intestines to need laxatives. So clearly this shit is complicated and there's going to be some range of how correct the Social Model gets things.

Personally, I feel like we shouldn't care about the classifications of who and what is sickness and illness etc. We're all going to have periods where we feel stronger physically than others, and any line we draw will be ultimately arbitrary. Yes, we can make objective diagnoses, but the objectives for the diagnosis will be subjective: some viruses won't cause illness in people and will in others, and some people will be resilient enough to not have to stop and rest. Even with cystic fibrosis, a very yes-no kind of disease to diagnose, there are people with genetic mutations and are clinically diagnosed, but have such mild symptoms (or none at all) that they don't need any of the treatments I do, maybe just the same exercises that "healthy" people should be following. And so we have to ask: why should we consider them sick?

Unless they tell you they are ill, I'm not going to listen.

Blog Against Disabilism Day! My Identitification as Disabled, Mixed With Some Queerness

Hi everyone! I made a post the other day talking about what I might want to discuss, which was basically me being excited and not doing homework because I find this much more important. So, here I am discussing:

• What terms do I use to identify as Disabled?
• What internalized disabilism/abelism do I see in myself?
• Why am I afraid?

Before I begin, I want to thank my friend at Bad Assburgers who absolutely CANNOT make burgers out of asses; I'm sorry, but only bad things happen when attempts are made. Other than that, I am very grateful for not being alone, and I think Bad Assburger has some lovely things to say, so CHECK IT OUT!

Terms?

So first let's talk about my Disability. (I'm capitalizing Disabililty, by the way, because it's empowering, I can, and why not?) I have cystic fibrosis (CF for short), and we come to my first problem about identification and openness about this. I really don't like explaining what on earth this is, because to me, it and the effect it has on my life is so egregiously complex that I don't feel like any short spiel satisfies it. Should I list the organs that don't work like other people's do? Should I just say "it's killing me!!!" and fall over, writhing on the ground with fake pain? Should I show them the sputum I cough up every day, the stool I excrete when I forget pancreatic enzymes, the faces I make when terribly constipated? I feel trapped; I can show either the bare bones or the relentlessness of a chronic, progressive, life-threatening disease. One doesn't do the truth justice, and the other might scare people away! Usually, though, when I tell people I have CF they might go "oh I heard of that" and then I stop caring what they think, or else I just say "oh it's this sucky genetic thing that sucks" and let them ask questions if they want. So I guess I only use the term "CF" and abut it with a host of vile expletives and graphic descriptions. (Also shush about my sometimes questionable use of vocabulary.)

Internalized Disibilism?

I don't remember telling anyone ever that I'm Disabled, using this word. I usually just say "I have cystic fibrosis" and then whatever. I could say I don't use the word "Disability" itself because it's not as specific to who I am and I want to be honest, but as an identity it's always been available and I haven't really sprung for it. Really, I think the "specificity" "argument" hides my fear of association with the word. Similar to how I used to be afraid of flamboyant, gay men (which I kind of turned into... yay!), I do think I fear Disability and the Disabled in general. Aside from some things I frankly should probably just shut up and toughen up about, I fear that I could become more sick with my progressive disease, and be in what generally people consider a worse fate.

But would it be a worse fate? In many ways, the only thing worse would be how many people might treat me--as if I were dying, spreading disease, worthless. In many ways, what I really am is differently-abled: Like everyone else, I can't fly, but I can do damn well plenty. Even if (when?) CF worsens, I'll still have much to enjoy. Sure, the stark difference I see between myself and other humans can suck, but I don't fall apart every time I watch birds soar. I think I can live great with being Disabled.

Fears?

Plenty! Let's go back to what might be worse about calling myself disabled: other people. Don't get me wrong. I love people. I am out-going. I am energetic, talkative, and happy when I get nice, intimate attention (haven't had sex yet, but I imagine I'd be the bomb--I'd give more details, but that's for another, more explicit post). Cruel, mean, nasty attention sends me from smiling, to confused (why would anyone want to be malicious?), to shooting poisonous vipers from my eyes. Unintentional hurts hurt just as readily, too. While I generally don't find people trying to hurt others, it still happens, and it sucks! Further, I really fear the defensive response to my attempts to explain who I am, what drives me crazy, and how I like to be treated. 

People sometimes have a hard time hearing "I don't like this type of comment." I think it's because they feel vulnerable; they realize they're not perfect, and acknowledging that can sometime be difficult. Of course, they should grow up already, especially considering how, being Disabled, I get that "imperfection"-ness shoved down my throat too often by societal expectations and standards. So really, I fear letting myself get defined by other people; I fear expecting of myself what other people expect, and not the standards I want; I fear letting others decide how I should behave, not what I value in personality and behavior; I fear limitations and traps.

I've talked about a whole hodgepodge of things, and while I don't think I've had Dutch stew, I think everything I've talked about fit well together. I've discussed what I wanted to discus. So! Thanks for everyone who read this. I love you! <3

Planning BADD: What will I write about?

Woops I posted the title without making my post. Let's try this again. I think I'm going to write about how I identify, and what sorts of terms ("labels") are out there that I can use to describe myself. There's lots to discuss! Also it's important to me to be sure what I am to myself. I'm sure I'm not alone in this regard. I'm also queer, and I'm more knowledgeable about queer identity and politics, so a large part of how I approach disabilism comes from my experiences with LGBTQ social and academic work. Being out and proud about being gay versus having a disability, though, are different experiences for me. So! I'm going to write about that sort of thing. I'm excited! I hope you are too! <3

I want to BADD: Blog Against Disabilism Day

Hi everyone who hasn't read my blog ever! I exist. I want to do a thing: BADD

I'm just making this post so that the no one who reads this blog will get me to do it. I love you all! aaaaand I can't do an ascii heart? wtf. <3 I DID IT YESSSS