Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Math Final

It all began one morning when I woke up. Like most stuff usually does--I mean, how can something begin without me being awake? It just doesn't.

Anyway, so what happened was I woke up, got ready for the day, and then went along to eat breakfast. Such a traumatic experience. Err, I mean dramatic. Same thing. Whatever.

So I haven't told you anything, right? Right. Well actually I did convey to you my consciousness by this point, so maybe I have communicated something to you. But anyway, that's not important. So after doing my morning stuff, I sit at this table, and there are two guys there. They're studying their asses off, with all the sweat and steam coming out of their ears and other bodily orifices as they go "oh my god when we were supposed to learn about this? I totally do not remember taking notes on how to hold a spoon properly. Why is this even in here? Oh wait wrong notebook."

On an unrelated note, where is my tissue box? I need to blow my nose.

*Ahem*

So yeah. I take my notebook out as I begin to feast on my Rice Crispies. Rice Crispies are very delicious by the way, and also quite handy. One time I had all these gaps in between the bits of a particular cereal I was eating, so I poured in some Rice Crispies and the gaps went away. It's like a super power. Filling gaps. With small cooked rice thingies. I don't know if Superman could have done that. Maybe Spider Man, but definitely not Wonder Woman. Aquagirl, I suppose, could have.

Going through my notebook, similar thoughts begin to course through the very essence of my veins--because, you know, thoughts go through them. Like rice bits filling in gaps. Except not. Okay so they went through my head, big deal. But the thoughts weren't about "oh my god I don't know this" kinds of things, they were more like "oh my god these Rice Crispies are so good I want to eat more of these gap-filling rice thingies I can't stop eating them I love them so much and how they crunch and snap and crackle and pop it is so awesome." Of course, my math notebook made it very hard to think about those kinds of things because it was about integration. And not just any kind of integration, triple integration! double integration! oh my god five-thousand times integrating the same thing with so many variables! Actually it just stopped at three. But that's still a lot. Actually it is. This one time I had to evaluate this triple integral, and wow it took up a whole notebook. I usually have small handwriting, but this time the integral just took over my hand and I had to write one character on each page! Each page! Think of all the pencil graphite I wasted. Pages upon pages of wasted graphite! It was also a pain to write out and everything, because I had to look back fifty pages to see what I had written before, and if I got something wrong and had to correct it, well, just think off all the rubber I had to use to erase it all! I mean really, what kind of insane textbook is my class using anyway? Why don't they get a new textbook that has problems that doesn't take over your hands and make them do things you don't want them to do?

So yea, while I was eating cooked, gap-filling rice bits, I was looking through this notebook. It wasn't the one with all the wasted pencil graphite, it was a different one. This one had the good stuff in it. You know. The good stuff. The awesome stuff. The euphoric stuff. The stuff that drives you into an ecstatic frenzy of pure rapture. Yeah.

So after breakfast, I go to my math class. It isn't really a class this time, however, because we were taking a final exam. Which was exciting, because we don't really take very many. Actually this was our first one of the whole quarter! I was so excited to be taking the first final for our class, I just couldn't contain my excitement! I had to keep running outside for a sip of water and to dance in pure joy. That made me very sweaty and everyone thought I was nervous, which I wasn't really. I mean, I had only thrown up twice and wet my pants thrice. That's not nearly as nervous as this one time when I almost died of dehydration from all my pant-wetting. I nearly flooded the building too. Poor building.

Thirst. Wow I'm thirsty. Hold on, let me grab a cylindrical tube with a bottom to hold liquid dihydrogen monoxide.

*cough*

So then, after all this dancing and drinking and hopping about, I turned in this final. After finishing it, of course. Rarely do I turn in a final without finishing it. The last time I did that my teacher told me "that I was a very silly boy who was teasing her incessantly," which, of course, was not the case. I could never tease her. Especially not when she wears that jacket. Or those leather boots with rocket launchers or something on the bottom. I don't know what they are, but they look like rocket launchers. Maybe they are garden hoses. I don't know.

I don't really remember what happens next. I probably went back to this eating place where people ate and put some complicated carbon chains on a plastic, oval, solid cylinder, took them to a lady, let her borrow a thin, plastic, rectangular prism, sit down with it all at a table, and then shove it all into my mouth. Except for the plastic. Plastic does not taste very good. I once tried to eat some but it didn't fit in my mouth, so I haven't tried since. I probably should try again. I can only imagine the wondrous things that I'm missing out on because of my small mouth.

Actually my mouth isn't that small. Or maybe it is just large and I don't know it. Maybe my oral size has a potential that has yet to be achieved. I should look into it all.

Anyway, that was pretty much how the day went. Except for all the stuff that didn't actually happen, which is mostly everything I said.

Toodles!

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